Updated: Feb 6, 2022
There's a girl inside me, desperate to get out. She's pushing through my skin, tearing muscles and moving bones. She's trying to get free, and be.
She has grown uncomfortable in the small space that contains her. She's accommodating, she can barely breathe.
I want to release her, I need her next to me.
But how do I allow her to exist?
I've sought help, gathered knowledge, read books, and visited therapists. I've discovered the concept of the process and the idea of the life cycle. So now, I am trusting my process and accepting where I'm at.
And where do I am?
I am in labor.
There's where I've been. In labor, after a decades-long pregnancy. Just like babies take nine months to develop into a full person, this Gina inside me is at the end of her gestation. And now, I am breathing and meditating, pushing, and then resting.
We are in labor.
Sometimes, I get frustrated when I feel she is almost here, but then she goes away. When I am forced to pause and gather energy to push again. It's just like my son's birth; he was stuck in the birth canal for three hours, peeking his head out and going back inside. That's how I feel right now, frustrated, trying to push her out.
But, I need to be patient and gently guide her towards life. We are learning together, we will find our own path. None of us knows what we were doing, but we'll learn how to work it out.
Just keep going, I tell myself. Just keep pushing, I hear people say. You can do this, just keep working through the pain, it's all worth it at the end.